we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
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Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.