we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
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oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Two types of dogs.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from