We’ve all been there…
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Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
new shirt idea
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
brian had himself a morning…
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
no regrets