We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
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[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
That earthquake could have been an email.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra