“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
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First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.