We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
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My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
August 8
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
B
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
What a year we’ve had this week.