We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
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It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.