“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
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[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.