We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
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*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.