We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
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my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.