We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
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painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅