We’ve now reached the match the lid to the storage container portion of this year’s Thanksgiving feast
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a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
tweeting shouldn’t cost money but it should flip you on your back like a bug for 15 minutes
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
I love twitter
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
yea so i messed up lol
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
oh you like architecture? name three walls
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]