We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
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How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
i now pronounce you bounced.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
😂😂
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
I’m not lazy
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine