We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.

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If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.


Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.

Me: We can wait a few days.

Wife: We’re out of beer.

Me: *dives in the car*


I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks


i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me


Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.


Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.


“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?


I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.