We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
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never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.