Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get

Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.

a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread

[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]

My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’

TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?

Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.

TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step

Me: Why do you say that?

TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard

wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!

I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.

Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.

My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.

I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids

Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.

Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.

I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.

I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.

[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it

There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.

Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂

WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!

ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell

[being held hostage]

Me: this is nice

Kidnapper: what

Me: I love to be held

My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it

Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.

me: i need directions please

stranger: you need to go north and –

me: left or right

stranger: it’s a little more complex than that

me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT

This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.

Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.

A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.

[jumps in Uber]

ME: HURRY I’M LATE

UBER: [starts driving]

ME: PULL OVER HERE

[jumps out, pets dog]

ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO

Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.

Inventing The Octopus-

God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?

Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.