We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
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Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
I have written yet another poem about laundry
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.