We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
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Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.