We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
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Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*