Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
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Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.