“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
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angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
Basically.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
started wrapping my pills in cheese
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning