“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked

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it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day


[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.


What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?


Me: I was just killing time

Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim


Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box


When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.


War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.


[two astronauts in space station]

“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows


Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.


“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people