@Kyle_Lippert

“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked

You Might Also Like

@Ahhmandah

it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day

@JustMeTurtle

[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.

@GingaSnapppa

What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?

@ArfMeasures

Me: I was just killing time

Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim

@SmartassChef

Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box

@evidentlyblonde

When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.

@click4amanda

War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.

@noog

[two astronauts in space station]

“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows

@funnyordie

Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.

@SCbchbum

“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people