Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
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I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
man: wait
time: no
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.