Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
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Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.