[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
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if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
A small tragedy.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
3 came up to me and asked for all the water in the house and then 4 came up to me and asked for all the paper towels in the house so I’m probably going to have to move.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
🖤✌🏽
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.