[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
You Might Also Like
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes