“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
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Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*