Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
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Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.