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“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
twitter is a journey
was Jim off killing horses or…
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Help Wanted
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.