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[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*