What.
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For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
◾️
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters