What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
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Mornin
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
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The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt