“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
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Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day