What a chick magnet..
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today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
When I can’t barge, I careen.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING