@shanethevein

What a rip off.

There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.

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@lovejulieacafe

Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.

Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>

@SteveKoehler22

No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.

@wolfpupy

i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things

@TheToddWilliams

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Dracula: Every day

Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.

Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.

@ClefairysTwitch

how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours

@WilliamAder

Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.

@UnFitz

*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*