What a rip off.

There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.

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Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”

If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.


If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.


The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.


“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.


“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”

*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas


Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk

The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]