@shanethevein

What a rip off.

There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.

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@OtherDanOBrien

Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”

If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.

@noog

If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.

@ChaseMit

The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.

@david8hughes

[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.

@crunchenhanced

“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”

*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas

@dad_chips

Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk

The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]