What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?

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Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.


Today’s assignment:

Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself


“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”


Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?


There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.


Yelp Review: Babies

Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.


In the theater

Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?

Him: Not with tater tots
Gimme some.


My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.


Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.