What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
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I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*