What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
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Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?