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I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
welp
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu