What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
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if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.