What a year we’ve had this week.
You Might Also Like
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.