What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
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Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal