What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
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do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.