What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
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HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free