What about a To-Don’t List?
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Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]