What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
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ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Monday
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.