“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
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How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….