What about second breakfast?
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Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
every. time.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor