What about second breakfast?
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Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
bruh why was i singing a song in the uber and the driver was like “nah u havin too much fun” and changed the song ????😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
Most people in your life will come and go but occasionally you’ll meet someone really special who makes you contemplate murder.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: It’s a surprise
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
[after a vasectomy] do i get the cone
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Orcas are not our friends
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.