@shanethevein

What am I gonna do with a river?

Could you cry me a beer?

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@jctwritesstuff

The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.

@stephenjmolloy

Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.

@proEXgirlfriend

Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.

@TheCatWhisprer

They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.

@Reverend_Scott

“HULK WANT LOAN.”

Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”

“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”

Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”

@Marlebean

Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.

@clichedout

I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.

@daemonic3

What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?

@goldengateblond

The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.