@shanethevein
@jctwritesstuff The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
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@jctwritesstuff 
@stephenjmolloy Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
@proEXgirlfriend Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
@TheCatWhisprer They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
@Reverend_Scott “HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
@Marlebean Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
@clichedout I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
@daemonic3 What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
@goldengateblond The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
@matty_up My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.