What am I gonna do with a river?

Could you cry me a beer?

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The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.


Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.


Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.


They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.



Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”


Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”


Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.


I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.


What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?


The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.