What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
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Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.