What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
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Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
I saw this ending much differently.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
me when the borders lift
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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.
.
.
.
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”