“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
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The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*