WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
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How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
Attacked by a mop.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.