What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
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My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what