“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
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FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…