“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
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There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets