@muskrat_john

“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”

Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.

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@sofarrsogud

People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.

@MrSpoonicorn

why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward

@qbermensch

“pew, pew, pew!”

-me, pointing out seating options in a church

@STRIKINGxVIKING

Is “drunk” an emotion?

Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….

@GinRumMe

*walks down street*

*panties drop left and right*

*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*

*picks up panties*

*continues home*

@david8hughes

[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees

@SavageDabs69

I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*

@1Happytwit

6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.

@lovejulieacafe

*Speed Dating*

Him: Do you have any hobbies?

Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”