@muskrat_john

“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”

Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.

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@thedad

Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!

@Gelatin_Cyborg

Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.

– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.

@WilliamAder

Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.

@GensPlace

I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.

@markydoodoo

I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.

@_wangwe

Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?

Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.

@crashtestdrummy

We’re gonna party like its 1999.

//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//