@thedad Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
@muskrat_john “WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
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@thedad 
@eleniZarro 2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
@pauleggleston I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
@Gelatin_Cyborg Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
@WilliamAder Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
@GensPlace I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
@markydoodoo I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
@_wangwe Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
@CoatCzech “Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
@crashtestdrummy We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//