—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
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My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
it’s the silliest best thing
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.